- “The way you speak to yourself on the daily is what leads to that last fulfillment in life.”
- Many of us don’t feel the depth of our life as much as we could, because of our poisonous self-talk. In this episode, turn your internal dialogue around so you can feel empowered to be the best version of yourself.
- “Without consistent self-talk, there is no consistent character.”
- Wishing for a more fulfilled and positive life? Then this episode is for you! Watch to learn useful tips and habits to adopt that will help you shift your mindset to a positive and uplifting one.
- Watch the video to get the full training.
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[The following is the full transcript of this episode of The Brendon Show. Please note that this episode, like all TBS episodes, features Brendon speaking extemporaneously–he is unscripted and unedited. Filmed in one take, The Brendon Show has become one of the most viewed unscripted, direct-to-camera self-help series in the history of YouTube. It has also been the #1 Podcast in all of iTunes and is regularly in the top podcasts in the Self-Help and Health categories around the globe. Subscribe to the free motivational podcast on iTunes or Stitcher.)
I can’t emphasize anymore how important it is to master this area of your life, to take control, to create a consistent routine of positive self-talk that guides you towards being your best every day so that you have more opportunities. You’re going to have lots of misses, but because you’re stepping at the plate, you’ll have more swings, you’ll have more opportunities to hit a home run. The more opportunities to have the at-bat to be your best self, and the more that you do that, the more hits you get.
1. Listen to Your Self-Talk
Let’s talk about connection – connection with oneself. I believe most people don’t feel their life is meaningful or their sense of fulfillment is high as it could be because their connection with themself is poisoned by their self-talk. They are constantly berating themselves, speaking negatively to themselves, saying awful things to themselves over and over and over and over again. They’re judging themselves as unworthy, incompetent, stupid, ugly. All of these things that they say, it’s on a rhythm, they just say it. They don’t even know sometimes they’re saying it anymore. Or if they do, they’re just mean to themselves. They say things sometimes they would never say to other people in public, face to face, but they say it to themselves. Again, most often because they didn’t get intersected with personal development earlier in their life to learn to take control of that self-talk.
Because the way you speak to yourself on a daily is what leads to that lasting sense of fulfillment in life.
You can be the greatest caregiver, servant leader, an amazing human of generous spirit to others that for all the reasons you should feel fulfilled, but if you hate yourself, you will not ever feel fulfilled. If you hate yourself, you won’t recognize the meaning of life and many people don’t get meaning and fulfillment of life because they hate themselves. They speak so poorly to themselves, and they keep telling themselves that an event happened they ascribe meaning to that led them to be unworthy, that they kept repeating over and over and over again.
2. Seek a Mental Health Professional
And either mental health practices or a professional licensed therapist has got to step in and work with that person to finally go: whoa, whoa, whoa – listen to your self-talk here. And the funny thing is, having been coaching for so long and I’ve had the blessing of training tons of therapists on how to be coaches as well, even though they’re two very separate things, um, that at the end of the day, people who speak negatively themselves, themselves, they actually know they’re doing it. They just haven’t decided to stop doing it yet. And so much of coaching or therapy is giving them the point to be A) aware that they are doing it and more aware of the consequences of what’s happening when they do it. Because usually, it’s just either it’s running unconsciously or if it’s running consciously, they’ll allow it because it’s – they’re not aware that that is what’s triggering the behavior and the events in their life that keep spiraling downwards. And so if you’re somebody who’s mean to yourself, please, please, please, please, please seek mental help this year, and I genuinely mean it. I’m someone who’s recommended therapy for my entire career. It’s different than what I do. I’m not a licensed therapist. I think a lot of people need that help, especially if some trauma or some major event in the past continues to make you struggle emotionally, continues to shape your behaviors in ways that you know are not negative – that are not positive. And if you need the casual approach to it, it’s like there are 1,000,001 books on self-talk. I mean, go pick up any personal development or self-help book, it’s going to talk about this topic. The thoughts that we are running in our minds about ourselves are so insanely consequential, right?
3. Define Yourself in Positive Ways
It’s that old saying in personal development, whatever you follow, the phrase “I am with” has a major impact on your life. I am unworthy. I am stupid. I am … if you fill that in with a negative statement, then we’re guaranteed a downward spiral. It might not happen right away. It’s going to happen. So, we’ve got to learn to feel that in a positive way. I am … what? Blessed, competent, capable, caring, kind, compassionate, a learner, a giver, a leader, a servant, a role model, a hopeful person, a kind person, whatever it is for you. You got to define that meaning in more positive ways if you already know you’re doing that negatively. But I know, I know, Brendon, I got it. OK, I’m glad you got it. Now, tell me how you took in that common sense and put it into common practice. Where does your conscious self-talk happen each day? See what most people realize, like, “Oh, wait, I do have time for that”, but there’s no consistency in what they’re saying to themselves. And guess what?
Without consistent self-talk, there is no consistent character.
Let me say it again, without consistent self-talk, there’s no consistent character. So what, Brendon? Well, guess what?
If we lack congruence in our life, we lack a sense of fulfillment in our life. When we aren’t being congruent with the person we know we should be, which tends to come from our self-talk, then we never feel fulfilled because we feel so far away from our ideal.
4. Practice Morning Affirmations
How do you get something closer to your ideal? You have to start changing the language you are using in their head for themselves. And so I want you to have a consistent self-talk pattern. Maybe that means for you: you write down an “I am …” statement or you write down a purpose statement or you write down affirmations that you’re going to use on a consistent basis over and over and over again. I just heard this great interview, uh, my friend Ed Millat did with one of the former presidents, I believe it was, of Starbucks and this person had an amazing career, just an absolutely amazing career, really helped Starbucks go to a whole other level at the time. And shared how for 50 years, he had three-morning affirmations he said to himself. Think about that. I know so many of the greats in personal development have taught this: to have some morning mantras or morning affirmations. And that can sound like cotton candy self-help stuff OR you realize you were actually coding your brain. You are building in the software code that runs the whole system and now you can get excited about it. That means you’re the developer. That means you get to code the system and how it interprets things. That your connection with yourself is primarily being established with what you say to yourself, so
let’s improve what we are saying to ourselves to deepen the connection with ourselves.
I think that’s job one. Managing your self-talk so that the meaning of things and who you are are more elevated. I think that’s so important. This is not about narcissism. I’m great, I’m great, I’m great, I’m great, I’m great and really feeling insecure and awful, so you treat other people awful. No. What it is is about understanding that your thought patterns, especially about what you say to yourself on a consistent basis, can truly shape whether or not you feel fulfilled.
5. Command Yourself
You’ve got to get closer to the ideal of the best of who you are. And guess how you get there? You have to command yourself. See, if I don’t command myself, my body just goes over to the couch. If I don’t, Brendon, listen, you have this day, my friend, you are blessed today. Thank you, God, for this opportunity to serve. Please grant that I may seek today to live, to love, to matter, to be my best self. Please allow me to serve with excellence today. Please allow me to be a force of love today. Brendon, you got this. Show up. Bring the joy. Honor this struggle. Let’s live today. Let’s love today. Let’s matter today. Let’s go! Simple.
Talk to yourself. Cheer yourself on. If I show up consistently as my best self, then I feel congruent with who I know I can be.
So, I’ve got to tell myself to do that. You kind of have to boss yourself around a little bit to keep yourself out of the gutter. You kind of have to boss yourself around. And I know that I know that can sound flippant, but it’s like so many people don’t.
6. Commit to Positive Self-Talk Every Day
They’re following an impulsive physical desire, dream, or feeling, and they’re disconnected with the part of their mind that can say, “Hey, let me tell myself what to do here”. Not just in the moment. Every day. Every day that self-talk commands you to be congruent with the best of who you are and the more you are congruent, the more you are fulfilled. You can do fulfilling things, but if you are incongruent, you don’t feel fulfilled. Think about that because your mind, your body, your spirit knows if you’re being congruent if you are a person of integrity living the best life. If the further you are away from that, the harder it is to be fulfilled, even if you’re doing fulfilling things like serving people. So, get your self-talk realigned. I can’t emphasize anymore how important it is to master this area of your life, to take control, to create a consistent routine of positive self-talk that guides you towards being your best every day so that you have more opportunities. You’re going to have lots of misses, but because you’re stepping at the plate, you’ll have more swings, you’ll have more opportunities to hit a home run. The more opportunities to have the at-bat to be your best self, and the more that you do that, the more hits you get, the more hits you get, the better you feel, the more competent and capable and so, I’m encouraging you all to please, please, please remember this. Say amazing things to yourself. Have an affirmation list. Have a practice. Do it at a certain time, a certain date, certain … in my world, you know, I’m blessed to run with the greatest motivational speakers of our time and all of them, all of them have something they say to themselves backstage before they go out on stage. Do they need to do that? No. Yes. If they don’t, see, they’re commanding themselves, they’re willing themselves, they’re encouraging themselves. If you don’t like the word command or demand, they’re encouraging themselves to get into the right state of mind to have their best performance, their best service so that later on they can go, “that was really great. I appreciate that. I feel good about that. I feel fulfilled”. See, it’s hard to feel fulfilled if you don’t feel good about how you showed up. When you feel good about how you show up again and again and again and again, the senses of meaning and fulfillment lift up.