- “When we improve ourselves, when we improve our relationships, together, we can change the world.”
- Are you looking for a complete masterclass on friendship and how to deepen those bonds so that they are truly remarkable? In this episode, discover tactical lessons you can start implementing into your relationships today to make them better!
- “Sometimes to experience the more extraordinary quality of life, we have to go beyond our own styles and our own strengths and put ourselves in novel situations that challenge us to learn and grow and interact.”
- Tired of friendships that don’t leave you feeling fulfilled and happy? This episode will help you gain insight into how you can better cultivate meaningful relationships in your life!
- Watch the video to get the full training.
- Already have the High Performance Planner and CRUSHING each and every day? Let’s celebrate you! Take a photo with your planner and use #GrowthDay so we can find you on social media!
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[The following is the full transcript of this episode of The Brendon Show. Please note that this episode, like all TBS episodes, features Brendon speaking extemporaneously–he is unscripted and unedited. Filmed in one take, The Brendon Show has become one of the most viewed unscripted, direct-to-camera self-help series in the history of YouTube. It has also been the #1 Podcast in all of iTunes and is regularly in the top podcasts in Self-Help and Health categories around the globe. Subscribe to the free motivational podcast on iTunes or Stitcher.)
We’ve had masterclasses in leadership, in confidence, in focus. We’re moving out into friendship, and I want to share this with you. If we’re all going to get better, sometimes we have to change. We have to become more. We have to make sure that self-improvement is a way of life.
We have to connect and do work like this. We have to be in communities like this that really are striving to improve ourselves and improve our relationships because when we improve ourselves, when we improve our relationships, together, we can change the world.
I’m going to describe to you these six deliberate habits of creating friendships from a perspective that will describe why some of your friendships were built the way that they were, why they worked.
Can you think about one friend who’s like your best friend? Or maybe one or two friends like the people you think that’s the closest one. If you don’t feel like you have that one based on our conversations so far, that’s OK, too. I know I’m not being facetious. Around the world, a lot of people don’t believe they even have three good close friends. So it’s OK.
I’m going to introduce some ideas here that might help you understand how they’re shaped, whether they’re assigned friends, deliberate friends, something you were to build into at home, at work, in your community. These will help. OK, I’m going to work through these from a neuroscience perspective and then come back from a high performance perspective where we teach you the habit. So let me just explain them.
First, let’s explain great friendships and where the bonding happens, and then we’ll come back and make a plan.
So first thing that the mind loves, the brain loves—and when we have these things that happen in our lives, the brain loves the hits of dopamine and whatever is in our world, that moment and association happens instantly and immediately that’s positive. OK? One of the first and foremost most important things in our life is something I’m going to start with on this lesson today, because a lot of us lacked it during the pandemic. And that is what creates an immediate bond with somebody and deepens relationships and makes friendships or your intimate relationships come back to life is novelty.
Novelty is the first thing I wanna talk about. Novelty, doing new things with people. But actually, when you read any book on neuroscience, you see that novelty is always something that is so incredibly stressful that we need to create in our lives to keep things fresh, because when they go stale, they die. To keep them fresh is how we grow them. I like to begin with this one, because, listen, as the world opens up, whether you feel like you can move on or you can’t, or as we feel like we’re venturing out into the world again because some people have been locked down. I want to reference to you the importance of immediately thinking of any friends you have who you need to reconnect with and you need to create a new experience with them. So write this down: Create new experiences.
I want you to go through your top ten friend list or the top five people you like at work, who do you want to develop a relationship with. How do you create a new experience with them? What’s something new that you can do where that is?
Hey, let’s go out to a new restaurant together. You know how magical that can be in a relationship when you go out with your partner, your spouse, your intimate other someone, you go to a new place. It’s the higher energy.
It’s a different level of awareness. When people are in novelty or novelty situations, their self-awareness goes up. There, mindfulness goes up. Biologically, we are literally built to be more attentive in new situations.
And so if you actually think about some of your best friends, there were probably some new situations you went out and did. Maybe your best friends came from when you were a teenager in your 20s. Well, you’re experiencing life anew. There was a lot of change, right? There were some of your first time experiences doing this, going out, your new friends of adventure, your new friends, your new drinking buddies, your new friends at school. There was New Year’s, everything that was new. There was a vibrancy and there was a pop there. And I really believe a lot of people right now in their life, they feel like they’re slogging through. We need to introduce novelty.
What is something new? What’s a new experience you could create? Now let’s talk about how do you take that high performance level?
Schedule The Newness
You schedule the newness. See, some people never have any novelty with their friends in five years, and they’re like, I don’t know, I don’t feel connected, like you’ve done nothing new in 10 years together. That’s why their friendship is dying. We need you to do something new on a regular basis. So I highly recommend it. Some of the closest friendship networks I’ve ever seen are groups of people who do a trip, a camping trip, a hiking trip, a biking trip. They’re outdoors. They go do something once or twice a year. They get together for July 4th, they get together for New Year’s. But there’s a recurrence of them getting together. But they do something new each time. Those are some of the great deep relationships.
Now, I know some people go, but no, not my best friends. We just get together and we talk. We don’t care if it’s a newer thing. I’m like, I bet you’re talking about new things as you age. There is a novelty in conversation when you have friends who you don’t do anything new with together. And most importantly, you don’t talk about anything new together. That friendship doesn’t deepen. So I learned that I thought, oh, you know what, I’m going to be that guy that introduces new topics to my friends and asks them to talk about it.
Introduce New Topics
I introduced novelty in my communication pattern with friends just to see where it goes. Instead of talking about what’s the weather today? I’ll ask about something specific, I’ll share. Hey, you know, I’ve been learning about this. What do you know about this? Well, hey, you know what I’ve been hearing about that. Have you ever thought about that? Or bring up a topic at a friendly gathering of like four or five people and they’re all talking about the salsa and the guacamole. And I’ll be like, wow, what’s the next level of conversation here? What’s something new we could talk about that we haven’t talked about as friends? If we ever hang out, we’ll sit at a table and you’ll hear me say, hey, guys, I know we’ve never talked about X and I’ll just throw it out. Mike. What do you guys think about that? And I’ll just throw out a topic, I’m like, hey, guys, I know you know, you’re all parents here. I’ve never heard this, what are three things to be a great parent?
And I’ll get the conversation going. I’ll think, what have we not talked about before? And I’ll just throw it in the mix. Right. It’s just like a communication hand grenade. I’m just going to throw it in there and see where we go. I know this is so simple, but do you do that? Do you do that consistently? Are you scheduling time with friends to do new things? Do you ask them to bring new people into your mix? Most people live like this.
Ask Friends To Bring Their Friends
No new people. And I’m like, new people come on in. I just like it. And it’s not because I’m an extrovert. It’s because I wanted the quality of life where novelty was at play. My brain is always sparking. I get a diversity of thought, meeting new people. I’m in a new situation. So I have to adapt and gain more self-awareness and social acuity, putting myself in novel situations by inviting new people, going to new networking events, and going to conferences.
Now, I know this is where I lose everybody. But you don’t understand Brendon. I’m an introvert. Yes. Amazingly, after 20 years in person development, I’ve actually met some introverts on the Myers Briggs. I’m right down the line between introvert and expert. You can’t write six books without being a little bit of an introvert. So if you are blaming your style here, this is where we have to talk about personal development. When people only do their style. And don’t reach for the lifestyle and the goals they want. They begin to suffer. Well, I’m not like that. I know, but what you are probably like is going to be stuck.
And sometimes to experience the more extraordinary quality of life, we have to go beyond our own styles and our own strengths and put ourselves in novel situations that challenge us to learn and grow and interact.
We got so used to it in Western culture. Well, these are my strengths and this is my style that we use those as justifications not to try new things. And that’s why many people, when they have a new goal or a new dream, sabotage themselves. Well, I’m not like that.
View Novelty As A Developing Skill
As you know, I want to be a writer. And I noticed the bestselling authors, they were going on media and doing appearances and they had videos and things like that. And I didn’t like talking to a camera like this. Insanely uncomfortable for me. Crazy. I had to learn to do it. I didn’t do well. I’m not like those writers that can talk in the media. I’m like, you know what? That’s not a skill yet. I’m going to go get that, I’m going to put myself in that situation. It’ll be new. It’ll be challenging. And I’m going to have to rise up and learn how to do that. I didn’t say I’m like this kid that can’t do these things. I said, do I want to experience that? Then let me become more. Let me grow into that. I was very uncomfortable with people when I was younger. And so I had to put myself in situations that stretched me. Now, if you are introverted, like I was, especially back then, you do those things and then what do you do?
You take time to recover. You can go out in the world and then come home and live inside and recover and then go out again when you’re ready. That was me. I had a lot. I’m a guy. If I go to a party, I’m exhausted afterwards like I have. Because at that party, I’m trying, you know. And when I get home, I’m tired. I’m wiped out. But it doesn’t mean I never do it because it’s not my style.
So it’s important for yourself right now, I really believe it. Some of you guys know, I did a course with Oprah Winfrey Network and Oprah named the course because we were talking about what we’re going to do. It was called “Reignite Your Life”. If you are in a place and you want to reignite your life right now, right, in all capital letters, novelty.And don’t hope novelty lands on you. Scheduling. Go do it. Invite it in and I promise things will get better.
2. Creative Expression
Second thing that creates bonds of friendship that most people underestimate is creative expression. Creative expression means with another person, you creatively do something. So creatively doing something that could be your art class friends. That creative expression that can be your brainstorming friends, you might have that friend at work who you love to whiteboard with. Right. That person. Do you like to just brainstorm business ideas with that creative expression? Maybe that’s a dance for you. That creative expression. Maybe that’s another artistic type of endeavor where your interests are aligned and you’re going to go do that. But creativity, doing something where we have to generate ideas. Or artifacts, as they call it, in sociology together. I mean, we’ve got to create stuff like let’s create something here. Your friends should be your greatest vehicle for brainstorming. Let me tell you, I’d have greater friends, and I really genuinely want you guys to write this down.
I want you to learn to do this. Pick up the phone, call a friend and say this, and I can tell you the quality of friendships right now based on the statement. Believe it or not. Pick up the phone. “Hey, can I get five minutes? I just want to brainstorm something with you.” I just want to brainstorm something with you. I can determine the quality of your friendships with that statement.
Generate Ideas Together
When you’re in friendships and it’s not what we call a generative friendship, a generative friendship means we generate ideas together. It doesn’t mean they need to be experts. It doesn’t mean they need to be perfect. It doesn’t even mean they need to get the topic. Friends talk things through with each other.
Avoid Building Complain Circles
We’re in a culture in the western world where what we do is we complain together. But that’s not generative. That’s actually not, it’s not additive right. I learned from Zig Ziglar to listen to your friends. And what’s the tone? What are we talking about here? And if you’re around a bunch of complainers and blamers all day long, you become that. And I was like, dang, that’s real. So I want you to write this phrase down: “Hey, can I brainstorm something with you?” I want you to hear about this, because I do consider myself someone who has deep, awesome, incredible relationships and I feel very blessed about this. I do this all the time. I probably have. I’m not kidding you. I probably have 15 of those conversations a week. 15 a week and you’re like, how can you possibly do that? Well, I have friends who are like my buddies. I have friends at work. I have friends who I would consider coworkers, people on my team. I have friends in my industry. And I force myself throughout the week when I have an idea, when I have a goal, when I have a concern.
And write those down: “When I have an idea, when I have a goal, when I have a concern, I don’t let those things live in my little head.” Instead, to create relationships with others, I call and I say, “Hey, can I brainstorm something with you?” Sure. What’s up? Well, I’ve got this concern right now. Or, you know what, I’ve got this idea, I just want to bounce it off. Or I’ve got this goal, I’m wondering if you’ve ever seen that or you’ve done it or you know, someone who has.
Share Ideas, Goals, And Concerns
I just want to share it. Idea. Goal. Concern. These are part of the parlance of a great friendship. And you think about it, a lot of us don’t have that. Now, I know some of you can. But I have a great friend and we don’t do that. I’m like, oh, my job isn’t here to tell you that you can have great friends. I have great friends who are like my pina colada friends. I don’t know how many ideas we actually brainstorm with half the time. I don’t think there’s an idea in our head when we’re drinking a pina colada.
So, listen, I’m not here to say every relationship has to be perfect. Maybe you’re right. Pina colada, friend. We always have a great time together. We probably don’t brainstorm how to solve the climate crisis. Ok? We’re not that deep. But if I want to deepen that relationship, guess what I do? You have five minutes to brainstorm on something.
So remember, I’m not here to say what friendships are or have to be. My job as your coach is to say, “Well, how do we deepen them and to deepen it?” You’re going to generate more ideas. You’re going to share more goals and express more concerns. That’s what makes you actually an authentic person and authentic striver. I don’t know you if I don’t know your ideas, your goals or your concerns, do I?
I don’t know you. I can make up a persona of you, but I don’t know you. If I don’t know what you’re thinking about consistently or you’re worried about or what you’re planning, I don’t know you. I really don’t. I just know you went to this high school and you wear that cool dress and you talk about this. I don’t know you. So if we want to go deeper, which is my job today, how do you have remarkable, long lasting, deep relationships? I got to know it. So for you, I want you to write down ideas, goals and concerns.
Third, a big way to deepen relationships, which I preface a little bit earlier, is contribution.
Great friends contribute something together.
Your best friends at work aren’t just the party people, often it was like you felt like you were doing something together that made a difference. Contribution is when we serve together, we make an impact together. This is why I always begin every conversation and meeting new friends by getting out and volunteering. Right. Just like when you volunteer with other people, your spirits are aligned. You’re making a difference. It’s just unique. You’re making an impact that makes a difference.
I would love for you to go down all your casual relationships and go, how can I make a difference with her? How could he and I or this group make some kind of impact? Maybe we go build a school, maybe we go paint a playground, maybe we go to a soup kitchen, maybe we go, you know, build this thing or weave this thing or get that thing done or raise this money together, whatever it is, let’s go do something together of impact.
I remember I was in my early 30s and I saw this team they called themselves. It’s like, you know, five people. It’s like two guys, three gals. And every year they went away for Habitat for Humanity and they built a house somewhere. Every year they just did that. And I was like, that’s amazing. You guys are so close and everything else. And they’re like, we’re talking. And to me, it was like, oh, this is a team of five. And then it turned out every year, each of them made sure to bring two friends. And now this group is 300 people, 300 people start out with literally five. They became 300 people who went every year. These 300 people went and mixed up and they would go around and build stuff together. I was like. That’s incredible, right? I don’t know about you, but my best friends came from service contribution building, doing things together that made an impact in my industry. So my best friends in the industry, like we collaborate to do something, to build something, to create something, makes a difference. Right? That just feels amazing to me. I love that. I really do love that.
Attend More Acts Of Service
What else? Well, I think for those of you who are really struggling to meet high quality people, from your perspective, I can’t recommend enough that you get involved with some local organizations that are nonprofit based and you start attending more fundraisers, more acts of service.
And I know some of you go, I don’t have anything. I have money to contribute, or I don’t know what I want to do. I’m like, I don’t care. Go to a bunch of them and you’ll learn what you like. And I will also say this, and I’ve been saying this for years. I beat a dead drum a little bit here. But when you go to a fundraiser or you go to a volunteer event, do you know who goes to those?
Like you go to a black tie event, like a fundraiser, as an example, do you know who goes there? The most successful, high achieving, positive, wealthy, influential people in that particular community, people who have something to give and in their spirit, in their heart, says, I played this role in this community where I’m going to make a difference here. Awesome. I mean, so my best friends I’ve met throughout the years, I met either doing the work of contribution or literally on a nonprofit board or at a fundraiser because that striving community, who wants to make a difference?
I can’t share with them. But here’s the thing. Whether you go do that or you don’t. The people who are closest to you, if you want to make a difference with them. If you want to deepen that relationship, find a way to make a difference together. Go do something cool that contributes. Go volunteer. I think if you really want the closest friendships imaginable, you go volunteer once a month or once a quarter.
Schedule the Contribution
You just don’t wait for them to schedule. I want you to be the friend that schedules the contribution.
Be that friend. Don’t hope that person comes into your life. You’re that scheduler. You’re that person who sets that up.
You’re the person that gets them together because at some point they’ll take it over. In all of my greatest friendship circles, I tend to be the person who initiates it. And we do something and then say, I’ll do it next time. Just do that acts of contribution together, so novelty, creative expression, contribution.
4. Adventure or Risk
Number four, adventure. Or risk. Adventure or risk adventure can be, you know, that’s your buddy, you’re going to go out and you don’t have some grand adventure with. That’s your road trip across the country. That’s your zip lining. That’s your skydiving crew, right where there’s an adventure and there’s an element of risk together, like, oh, my God, did we really just rappel down that mountain? Did I really just rock climb that thing? Did we really just start that business together? Did we really go on this journey together, that adventure? When you start that and do that adventure with somebody, that’s a bond. That’s a real bond. A lot of people go, I don’t feel aliveness.
And I’m like, schedule an adventure. Go do something together. Whatever that adventure is, that adventure can be a simple quest. I have two friends who I really admire who were living in a mid-sized town, like Madison. I think it’s Madison, Wisconsin. These guys lived and they just said, we’re going to in one year, we’re going to go to as many restaurants in this town as we can together. That was their quest. That was there eventually.
There was novelty. There was adventure, that was all cool. But then the risk element that they added to it, the risk element that they added to it, is like they were like, we’re going to document this together. And so they’re like, we’re going to try to do something to build a business from where we’re at a document, that’s where all these restaurants were to film it. We’re going to try to do an entrepreneurial endeavor with it together. It’s like, wow, that’s cool. That’s cool. But you know what I think of like my friends who I went skydiving with. They’re still some of my best friends in the world today, because that was crazy, that was terrifying.
Have you ever heard my skydiving story? I’m screaming like a child. You know, all the way down like it was so fun. You know, you think about the friends you had adventures with early on in your life. I had one friend who I moved from, like an old friend to a growth friend because I remembered, you know, that was my mountain biking friend when I was in middle school. Wow, no wonder we were so close to middle school because we would go down these trails.
Did you ever have a biking friend? Many people, a biking friend. You would go down these like crazy trails together, but you just never kept in contact. And you had there was a time in your life when you were young and they were your adventurous friend and you lost touch. That’s OK, if you lost touch, but take the lesson. Oh, we did stuff together. We had adventures together.
5. Alignment Around Passions
OK, got it. One thing, fitting an alignment around your passions and alignment around your passions. Whatever those if your passions are croaking great and you got or are crocheting. So you got friends. I think crocheting is a game. I’m not sure, maybe it is. But it’s like if you got croquet friends or crochet friends, that is like, do that together. You got your bird watching friends go watch the birds. You got your friends who you talk about history with, talk with them about history, about your coffee, whatever, like whatever your passion is. Here’s my question to people all the time and stuns them. How often does your passion show up in a group setting every week?
How often does your passion show up in a group setting? Every week. Well, if it’s not, that explains why the bonds of the groups that year round aren’t that deep yet. You have to both inject your passion into conversations so people actually know what you think about, what you’re interested in, what you’re deeply thoughtful about, like all of your friends and I want you to write this down. All of my friends should know my passions. All of them. Otherwise, they’re strangers. All your friends.
Don’t Fear Judgement
I’m a person like, if you know me, you’re going to know what my passion is real fast and people say, yeah, but I can’t tell my family this, they think that or I can’t tell her that. They think that I’m like, what are we in high school? Are you really holding back your passions based on what someone else will think? That’s OK. In high school, once you get 18, that’s no longer allowed. Now that’s called sabotaging yourself for no reason whatsoever other than your internal fears of embarrassment, which, by the way, shouldn’t last that long after 18 years old, not when you’re doing personal development work, like get over that, it’s OK.
Everyone you know. And if they have judgment, guess what? They also judged your clothes today. They also judged your hair today. They judge your website. Who cares? Why is everyone so scared about judgment? The less you are worried about judgment, the greater friends you have. When you realize if, because you know what, I want people I want people to reject me. Because if I’m not in their tribe or I’m not their guy, great, I don’t have to spend a bunch of stupid time, I’d rather them.
I love being selected out. I love when someone says, you’re not my kind of person. Like, thank God I’ve spent time with someone who doesn’t want to hang out with me. It was so scared of rejection. I’m like, if someone rejects you, they just gave you the greatest gift.
Time not to have to spend with someone who don’t like you. That’s why I love rejection. I’m like, huh? Rejection is awesome. It gives me the reason that I don’t have to hang out with that person. Oh, they judge me unfairly.
I don’t get mad at them. Like, thank God they did that. I don’t go spend a bunch of time trying to build a relationship with somebody who’s like that. So don’t fear the judgment. And don’t keep pressing down, suppressing or quieting your passions to try to fit in, to try to be liked.
Share what you love, share your passions. And if you’re someone who’s like, but I don’t have any passions, well, have any friends is like, OK, well, your job is to go have adventures in the world and put yourself in new novel situations to discern what you like.
Put Yourself in Novel Situations
I’m sure many of you guys, you get the questions, too, from, you know, younger kids and their, you know, teens or in their twenties who ask you, you know, but I don’t know what my passions are. And what do you always say?
Go do stuff. I like passions and interests that emerge from actions. Not contemplations. So you don’t just sit around and contemplate what am I passionate about and come up with something, you need to experience the menu of the world a little bit and go, oh, I like this, just like I never knew I like sushi.
I never sat in a room one day in Montana and went, I like sushi. No, I had to go experience culinary from all over the place. And I went to a sushi place like. How a guy like sushi and now if you hang out with me, I’m like, that’s what I’m passionate about, sushi. I never thought in a room I’d be passionate about sushi one day. I had it and became passionate about it. You find your passions by living in active life. When you don’t have passions, we just got to get more menu in front of you.
This is why you are always growing your network and your relationships to discern, like a lot of people hope their purpose just lands on them, like your purpose is found out in the world.
Your purpose is found by living. And choosing how you want to live and living a purposeful life and more purpose shows up, if you want deep relationships with people, you’re going to have to uncover your passions. You have to express those passions and you’re going to have to elicit their passions.
Support Your Friends’ Passions
Does anyone have a friend who talks on and on and on about something that you aren’t passionate about at all? Anyone out there? Encourage them. Keep listening. Don’t we all need friends like that? It’s important, it’s important for you to listen to other people’s passions, and it’s OK if there isn’t.
I have one friend that is so passionate. I mean, like otherworldly passionate about video games. Now, I haven’t played a video game and I don’t even know how to use a controller. Anyone else have that? Here we go to your friend’s house and their kids pop out the video game, they hand it to you and you get this controller and it’s like a spaceship and you don’t even know what it does. That’s me. I don’t know. I don’t know how to play a video game. I’m not interested in video games at all. Like it’s not even I’m not even interested in it. And I have this friend. We will go out and he will tell me about video games for like 90 minutes.
And I’m so interested. Because that’s his passion. When someone is talking about passion, you know, you say, tell me more. It doesn’t have to be your passion. Stop listening for what you want to be an experience and who you are and honor and see the other. Their passions, their ideas, their goals, their concerns. That’s how to win friends and influence people. You knew I was coming after Dale Carnegie, didn’t you? You knew I was going to drop it in there. I know you knew I was going to give me some Dale Carnegie, even here, how to win friends and influence people.
Be Interested in Other People
Let me summarize the whole book. Be interested in other people. It’s like a 300 page book, five words, describing it. Be interested in other people. That’s how you win friends and influence people. Stop listening through the lens of only your interests and your passions and open up to hearing and encouraging.
And listen. If you talk to me, if you and I go out, I’m like this. I’m just like I’m just taking it in. I keep bringing it. Keep bringing it. Just shovel it all my way. Keep bringing it. And you like you have Brendon. People shovel their stuff on me. I’m like, nope. The bad stuff goes right over here. The good stuff goes right in here. It’s like just keep bringing it like you. If you want to have a great friend, you will listen.
You elicit their passions, and I don’t think people talk about the passions enough. And obviously I’m a Volman guy, so I have a high opinion about this. Oh, my goodness. I think it’s so important to be passionate and to be passionate. You have to experience the world to elicit other people’s passion. You have to talk about what they’ve experienced in the world. You learn their stories, listen to what interests them. You have to pull in the conversation, their passion, their interests, their ideas.
I know I’m being repetitive here a little bit, but I think we really need a reset on this one, a real reset, because if you think about your favorite friends to be around at the parties, they’re passionate. It doesn’t mean they’re extroverted. It doesn’t mean they’re extemporaneous speakers. It just means whatever’s going on with them. I have a friend who just can’t even believe this guy. He’s like he’s a friend and a mentor. He’s like 58 years old. Every time he talks, he just looks at his shoes.
And he’s not loud. He’s not clownish like me. He’s just super internal and thoughtful, but everything he’s so passionate about saying he just likes that he just passionately, barely moves his passion. And just hearing his voice, isn’t he talks like this? Well, you know, it’s so important. And just like I wanted to pep up a little bit, but he doesn’t need to. His passion is there. And I connect with him on that.
OK, the last big thing that we know from neuroscience and obviously I would say everyone knows from life experience is number six is physicality. Physicality is kind of related a little bit to adventure and risk, but physicality means you do something physical together. This is your workout buddies, right? Your workout friends, you go to the gym, you work out together, you go eat something healthy afterwards or go for a walk.
These are your friends who you’re going to walk with. These are your friends. You dance with. These are your friends that you ride the mountain bikes with. These are your friends who you just connect with. And there is that caring and intimacy with that.
They give you a hug when you’re having a bad day. There’s physical touch and there’s physical activity as part of that relationship. Right. And you know, the difference when you see an old friend or maintenance friend is like a fist bump. High five. And then you see an old friend. It’s man, like a real friend. It’s like a hug. You know, it’s real. It’s like you’re pulling that person in. You’re so happy to see them. Like those hugs.
Right. That’s real. There’s a physicality to that friendship in some way or another. Often it’s for a lot of friends just doing things together. Being in the same space together. You know, one of my brothers, it’s like our friendship grows every time. We’re just in physical proximity. For him, he likes to drive a car. So we get in a car and we go driving all around. And you would think we’re best friends afterwards. That for him is, that’s his thing.
He’s driving. We’re together. Close talking. That means something to him in my life. I don’t like to be in cars. What else? But in that friendship, I’m hot, let’s go in the car. So you have to know that people are different in all these areas, and to connect with them deeper is to know their way.
If you think of the top five people in your life who you want to deepen relationships with, you need to ask, how do I introduce physicality here? I was coaching a CEO executive about two months ago, and he was complaining about this friendship falling apart, like what have you guys ever done physically together? It’s like what do you mean, like have you ever done a sport? Have you gone out? Have you ever done anything together? He’s like, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I guess the first year that we knew each other, we were golfing a lot.
Like when’s the last time we were golfing? I haven’t golfed with him in three years, I’m scheduling Saturday. Go golfing. He sent me a note Sunday morning like that was the best idea, he’s like, we’re back, and this was a critical relationship in his life.
He just had to go do something with somebody. Right. It was a novel. They’d golf before it was nukes. And and and while. It wasn’t any of these other crazy things they weren’t creative expressing, they weren’t contributing. There’s no big adventure or at least risk orientation there. He’s not even that passionate about golf. But it was physical. They did something physical together. These six things you have to do, all of them. Like I just said, the way he repaired that relationship had nothing to do with the first five things I taught you.
Go do something that is physical again. He tried. I told him to spend quality time together. He was already spending quality time there in meetings. He’s trying to elicit things. They already talked about the fact like all that had been attempted. What wasn’t on my little list here was physicality, so I just asked him. So these six things, each of them can deepen your relationships. And each of them can reignite your relationships.
Each of them can be a road map to building great friendships. Each of them is a road map to repairing old friendships. Each of these six things we know spark your brain in a very different way and create different social bonding than almost anything else. Your brain loves novelty. Your brain loves creative expression. Your brain loves contribution. Your brain loves adventure. Your brain loves your passions. And your brain loves to move. Guess what? So does their brain. Now, when those two brains come together and do these things together, that dopamine forms the bond forms, the association invites the idea that we should be friends. So my hope today is by giving you this framework, you learn a little bit about yourself, you evaluate some things. You get some new ideas to bring a little more light and a sort of freshness into relationships.
There’s tons of things we could talk about in this topic that I didn’t cover today. My job isn’t to cover everything in friendships. My job is to kick it off. Get your brain thinking about it. And let’s make this month Friendship Month.
Let’s make this month the month that you reactivate some good friendships and the month you build some new ones. Thank you again for this one, everybody. I appreciate each and every one of you. Every day is a great day to grow. And today we did that together. Thanks, everybody. Goodnight.