- “And so being present is about living in this timezone with them right now, in the here and now, not the past, not the future, here. It’s being attentive, tender, thoughtful, and energetically co-creating together.”
- The secret to vibrant, lasting relationships? Presence! Learn how to re-engage with your day so you can be a thoughtful partner, coworker, and friend.
- “Try to be passionate and intimate again, bring your awareness, your physical body, your mindset to the moment with the other person.”
- Increase your presence with others and your relationships will be all the better for it!
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[The following is the full transcript of this episode of The Brendon Show. Please note that this episode, like all TBS episodes, features Brendon speaking extemporaneously–he is unscripted and unedited. Filmed in one take, The Brendon Show has become one of the most viewed unscripted, direct-to-camera self-help series in the history of YouTube. It has also been the #1 Podcast in all of iTunes and is regularly in the top podcasts in Self-Help and Health categories around the globe. Subscribe to the free motivational podcast on iTunes or Stitcher.)
Try to be present. Try to be present. I really believe, as Denise does, when couples have learned mindfulness, when both of them have learned how to be self-aware in the moment, to be non-judgmental in the moment, to be able to come openly into the moment, and be there with the other person in full presence, not stuck five years ago, present, everything changes. I will say, what our partners, our spouses, our relationships, our families want from us isn’t more presents, like material presents, like Christmas gifts. It’s presence. They want more sense that we are grounded right here with them, attentive to them, accepting of them, in the moment with them, not trapped in old stories, not angry about the stress or the, you know, freaking out about the worries of next week or next month’s bills, but rather at dinner with them, in the moment with them, on the walk with them, living in the present with them.
And this one, I would guess Denise probably brought up because it’s so important in times of conflict to be present with them. And to be, I would say, like if I had to think about my presence with Denise when we’re struggling or when we’re in an argument, I would say knowing what she needs in that moment, more than what I’m kind of built as or I was conditioned to as I grew up, is that presence with tenderness. That presence with tenderness. I think that’s what lacks in a conflict or a fight. One person is so worked up and the tenderness isn’t there. And I raise my hand, I got to work on that.
That is one of those things I grew up in and I don’t know about some of you. I grew up in a super fast twitch, very speed up to argue, very vocal place. I didn’t grow up around any passive aggressiveness or quiet silence and conflict and judgment. It was all verbal and very physical. I grew up in a place where there was a lot of physicality, a lot. From the neighbors, the friends, the teachers. I mean, I grew up in a place where the principal could swat you with a wooden paddle. Literally, you got in trouble, you got beat by a wooden paddle by the principal. I grew up so, like, crazy like that.
And so my mind, until I was probably about 25, was conditioned for that. And I recognized in a relationship when I was 25 how quickly I got angered and wanted to storm out or scream or holler, or my ego was wrapped up in it, but I was also just angry. I was an angry young man. I worked a decade really hard in personal development to let go of my anger that came from just how I grew up. I had to let go of that. Not be perfect, just get a little better every day at it.
But that means I was also conditioned that way. And I have to go, “oh, okay, that’s a weakness of mine, and where does that come out?” Usually for me, that will come out in an argument, right? If we’re just not seeing something, I just feel it. I feel it literally come up. I feel the emotion of it. It just can be triggered. And what do I have to do? I’ve got to try to be present. That’s why I love her language more. I was like, “Oh, that’s so good.” I underlined “try” like seven times. Just try, put the effort back into being present with your partner or spouse, even in conflict, but also in the beautiful time, put your dang phone down. Be at dinner with them, right? When you’re intimate together, don’t be staring off into the wall thinking about something else.
It’s like, try to be passionate and intimate again, bring your awareness, your physical body, your mindset to the moment with the other person.
I tell people all the time, I go, “imagine you just found out your beloved partner or spouse is going to be gone in three days. They got a terrible diagnosis.” I promise you would be so tender with them and so present. Well, none of us know when those days are going to come. None of us know we’re going to lose the person. And as I’ve been with people towards the end, couples, all they want is to hold each other and to be tender with each other.
And so being present is about living in this timezone with them right now, in the here and now, not the past, not the future, here. It’s being attentive, tender, thoughtful, and energetically co-creating together.
‘Cause some people say presence is, you know, it sounds like presence is just tenderness and boring, but no presence is pop and vibe and like the thrill of it all too, right? When you went on those first couple dates with that person, you were locked in. You were interested in trying to learn about them. You cared about what your clothes look like. You tried to smile, you tried to show some physical reaction to what they’re doing. There was interest there, there was intrigue there and you were both there, right? You’re attentive. And if that relationship lasted, let’s bring some of that back. That energy and the magic from that time you fell really in love. When you went crazy for each other, what was there? What was there? Intention. What was there? Mindfulness to one another. What was there? Acceptance, and also not just accepting them, but pulling them in with your presence. Like you were drawn in, right? You were “drawn together,” they say. What was that? That’s that energy. That’s that presence, that’s bringing us together. We must rekindle that over and over and over in a relationship. It begins with both of us finding presence.