Summary
How do you let go?
To help you let go of negative experiences (or even positive experiences that should now be let go to move on to what’s even more right), try this:
Ask, “What have I learned from this about
(a) how I want to be treated,
(b) how I want to treat others,
(c) what I really want now.”
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Full Transcript on How to Let Go with Brendon Burchard:
Have you ever struggled to let go of a difficult time in the past or hardship? Or, it’s the afternoon, your morning sucked and you don’t feel like you can just let it go and keep moving on. Or maybe you came out of a big breakup, a difficult challenge from the past, a disappointment, you’ve been discouraged, how do you let go of all that negativity or those difficulties and move on?
And also, how do you let go of good things?
Because have you ever found that you left something that was; it was good but you knew there were something great out there for you. There was nothing necessarily wrong with this thing you wanted to let go but there was something that you just felt like it would make you happier, more fulfilled, more charged. How do you deal with those situations?
Because letting go isn’t always just about letting go what’s wrong? Sometimes, it’s letting go what’s right so you can find also what’s more right. Have you ever experienced that?
So, let’s talk about these two things.
I think, in the first matter of letting go what is wrong (what’s not right), letting go of negative experiences, discouragements, disappointments, pain from the past; one reason a lot of people don’t let go is because they have more concern for the past.
- Who was right?
- Who was wrong?
- Who is to blame?
- Why that didn’t work out?
Then they have commitment for the future, concern versus the past versus commitment to the future. They haven’t made that switch yet. So, how can you make that switch?
If something’s still bogging you down of something that happened to you weeks, months or years ago, (A) if it’s very serious, you always hear me say on The Charged Life, “Hey you know what? Don’t feel sad about asking for help, seeing a counselor, seeing a therapist, seeing a professional who can help you work through major issues.”
But let’s say it’s not a psychological disorder you’re having here. Let’s just say, you’re having a tough time letting go a breakup or something that was difficult. I think, you’ve got to look towards the future again and the way to make that switch is first and foremost, to deal with this stuff.
And the way that you deal with this is to say, first and foremost, what did you learn? Not who is to blame, what did you learn? What from that past situation or that thing you need to let go? Draw something positive from it, a lesson and here is the most powerful lessons that we typically draw from the past when we start letting go.
We first and foremost decide and learn, “How do I want to treat myself?” Because sometimes in the past, there was moments you were being hurt or you were hurt, you feel like, you kind of,
- You didn’t treat yourself very well,
- You didn’t take care of your emotional well-being,
- You didn’t say no,
- You didn’t set boundaries,
- You didn’t defend yourself,
- You didn’t literally just stand up for yourself and say, “I don’t like this; this is not okay. No.”
And so, sometimes, we beat ourselves up and we get mad at ourselves about that. But like I said, it’s not about blaming those things. It’s about now saying, “What’s the new commitment? How do I want to treat myself now? What are the new rules for caring for myself so that I do better in the future, so I feel better in the future?”
Also, we have to draw form those things that we have to let go and we have to say, “How am I going to treat others?” Because see a lot of times the things that we want to let go in the past we didn’t like and someone treated us bad. So, we have to set a rule from that. “Oh, how will I treat people?”
See I grew up in a place where a lot of people were not always awesome outside of my family. I grew up in a place where there was lots of physical fights, where there was lots of people always threatening us and pushing us around and being really tough on us. And I just had to say, “You know what? I’m going to set a rule. I’m never going to speak rudely or with condescension or threat towards another person.”
Because I had to grow up around that and I didn’t want that for myself. But instead of being angry at them for that, I used that as empowerment because not everything in the world is happening to us to put us down. Things happen for us:
- To develop our character
- To make us better
I always say, to people I say, “Thank god for the jerks and the jerks and the jerks that you had deal with because you know what? That probably made you more kind, more compassionate, more sympathetic, a better listener, somebody who honored others better.” Because sometimes, it takes us being mistreated for us to realize how to treat others.
I was lucky my dad always said that one of the best things that we could do is be respectful of the people. Respect others. Know that their ideas, their thoughts, their feelings, they are their own. They have them for a reason and it’s okay that it’s not the same as yours. Honor their perspective as much as you hope that they will honor and listen to your perspective. Don’t we need a little bit more of that in the world these days?
So, some simple things. Look to those things you got to let go of, those situations, those difficulties, those times and say, first and foremost, “What did I learn? How am going to treat myself now? How am I going to treat other people?”
And then, the big switch happens when you start asking these questions: “What do I want for myself and my world in the future? Like, what’s next? Okay, I’ve been through all that, got my learnings, great. Now what?” That’s such a powerful question for people. Not, “Now what” but “Now what? What do I want now? What’s important to me now?” and think about all the major areas you could…
When you got to let go of one area of your life, what I always say is think about all the areas of your life now because sometimes we can get stuck in one area. A relationship ends and you feel bad and you just constantly feel down and down and down. Sometimes, that relationship area of your life is going to take a little time to build up and repair. Meet somebody new. Find the right guy or gal.
So, here’s what you need to do is broaden your vision again. Sometimes a lot of our sadness happens because we get myopic about one area of our life and we’re looking very small and minimal to one part of our life and we forget there’s all these other beautiful areas that we could make flourish. So, think about it.
If a relationship ended then, okay I understand.
- What can you do for your health?
- What can you do for your family, for your friends?
- What can you contribute to or aspire to in your mission or your career?
- What about your lifestyle? How can you live a better quality lifestyle?
- What about your own emotional well-being?
These types of things that we can all take care of and work towards and grow in because sometimes, to start shifting out of those things you have to let go of, we have to get committed to something that we do want and just take a few steps. I would say the best way to let go of something is get more momentum in a new direction because as soon as you get momentum, like just a little bit; a couple of small wins, small steps, it lets us let go of that baggage because as you’re catching speed, going forward, you don’t want to be hanging on that stuff that’s slowing you down. You tend to let go of the heavy weight as you start flying to the future.
So, what do you need to let go of today? What’s time that you held on to it long enough, you’ve been upset about it long enough that maybe today is that fresh start you’ve been looking for. And it’s not a fresh start that just lands on you luckily. Like you walk outside and you’re like, “Oh, I feel better.”
You decided to feel better by deciding to instead of being so angry or upset, saying, “What did I learn? How will treat myself? How will I treat other people? What do I want? And what’s just a few steps I can start taking in these different areas of my life to feel like I have overall momentum?” That’s how you let go of what’s wrong.
Now, what about letting go of what’s right? Have you ever had to let go of something you liked? Maybe you lost a job. You got laid off, you had to let go of the job. Maybe you had to let go of a group or a membership or a networking opportunity because you couldn’t afford it anymore. Maybe you had to let go of somebody that you really cared about but you knew it wasn’t quite right (nothing necessarily wrong). But maybe you knew something was bigger for you. Maybe you let go of a good job so you could seek your passion or start your own business.
How do you let go of those things that you have nostalgia for and you’re proud of, you liked? They were joyful. Guess what? Same steps. That’s the beauty of the emotional power of letting go.
I would only add this and when you’re trying to let go of something that’s right, give it honor and respect. Do the same when you’re letting go of something negative but usually you didn’t choose that. When you’re letting go of something right, man, take a good amount of time to be grateful for that. To allow some pride and joy, some depth of heart to come in because that was good. Be grateful for what was good.
If we never express our gratitude for what was good that you never said, “Hey, this guy, this gal, she didn’t even notice when I gave her good stuff. Why keep giving her good stuff?” And we no longer attract that more positive range of things because we’re not appreciative of it and I bet you’ve experienced it too.
We all have where push away good people in our lives because not necessarily meanness but sometimes just neglect, the lack of the ability to say, “Thank you. Appreciate you.” Well, moments and parts of our history are like that. That we feel good about, that we enjoyed. Give them honor. Take a few moments to be thankful for them. Say a nice prayer or just integrate the fact that things are going good and those were good and now you’re ready for the next step because now you know:
- What do you want now?
- What’s going to get you some momentum?
If you put some of these ideas into place, I think you’ll be able to find that you can let go of some of those major things from the past and you can start looking to the future again. There is always, always, always, always hope. There is always, always, always a new day. But you got to grab on to those things and decide what you want now and start moving towards the future. If you will do that you will get to
