- “A lot of your acceptance of yourself actually has nothing to do with self-acceptance. Your acceptance of yourself came from how people treated you before it was socially gained and constrained.”
- We often don’t realize how hard we are on ourselves and how much of an impact that can have on our own dreams, relationships, and goals. In this episode, get actionable takeaways that will help you dive deep into self-care, self-acceptance, and internal peace to create more vibrancy, joy, and positive results in your life.
- “Your self wants to realize itself, right? We all want to reach a fuller, higher standard of our potential.”
- Looking to master your self-acceptance? Then this episode is for you! Learn 5 key teachings that will aid you in living a more joyous and fulfilling life.
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[The following is the full transcript of this episode of The Brendon Show. Please note that this episode, like all TBS episodes, features Brendon speaking extemporaneously–he is unscripted and unedited. Filmed in one take, The Brendon Show has become one of the most viewed unscripted, direct-to-camera self-help series in the history of YouTube. It has also been the #1 Podcast in all of iTunes and is regularly in the top podcasts in Self-Help and Health categories around the globe. Subscribe to the free motivational podcast on iTunes or Stitcher.)
If you don’t have self-acceptance, clearly you don’t have authentic self-confidence. If you don’t have self-acceptance, clearly you won’t have an authentic sense of happiness because you don’t even like yourself. So what do we do about this when I’m coaching others?
Well, first after I’ve tried to understand where that’s coming from, that solution-driven part of coaching is about realizing there are things we all do to gain greater self-acceptance.
Your self wants to realize itself, right? We all want to reach a fuller, higher standard of our potential.
I’ve never met a person in my life who didn’t want to realize a higher level of potential for themselves or their family or their teams or their work. And I know somebody like, “No, no, no, you don’t know my kid. He’s 42 and he’s still on the couch.” I don’t have a judgment for that. What I have to say about that is that that person does, too. It’s built-in the human spirit.
We all want to grow. We all want to be happy. Sometimes we get discouraged from that enough that we lie to ourselves and say we don’t want it or worse, we don’t deserve it.
Many people don’t have self-acceptance because they don’t believe they deserve it. They think that they did something wrong. They had other people judge them. They had that experience when they had so much negativity around them, they started to believe that story.
1. Enroll In Coaching Or Therapy
And so what I share with you about self-acceptance, it’s one of the reasons I’m a very big proponent of coaching or of therapy. A lot of self-acceptance is actually socially gained. You know, there is a reason that the psychology department tends to be the same building as a sociology department because they go hand in hand. We are social animals.
A lot of your acceptance of yourself actually has nothing to do with self-acceptance. Your acceptance of yourself came from how people treated you before it was socially gained and constrained.
You started to believe that you were at a certain level based on how other people around you treated you, isn’t it true?
2. Find People Who Amplify Positivity
And one way to gain greater self-acceptance is to take back that self part and say, “Oh, I’m going to do the work on me right now. I’m going to take some time to work on myself again, and I am going to lessen the noise of the negative people around me and get around positive people who amplify the noise of positivity.” It doesn’t mean getting around “yes” people. It means getting around “yes” spirited people — people who are supportive and encouraging of you.
You probably have one positive friend, right? Talk to them more often, hang out with them more often, lean on them more. I think that’s critical because the easiest way to develop the self is in our social environment. Getting other, more positive, healthy people around us tends to lift all boats.
3. Forgive Yourself For Things You Did In The Past
The other thing to think about with the acceptance part is to learn to be in the moment in such a way that you can forgive the things you did in the past. I don’t know if you’ve picked up yet, but the world is turning a new chapter, and you should too. I know if you picked up on it, but this is a time of ripe transition and transformation. Allow that for yourself. Yeah, maybe you screwed up last year in the business. Maybe you screwed up four years ago. Maybe you did something that you feel was unforgivable.
In this moment, right here, in your heart of hearts, in the universe, you’ve got a clean slate. And it is time to start adjusting from who you were to who you desire to become.
You need to get off the guilt train and get on the “becoming” train. That old story, that chapter closed, the news story is a bunch of blank pages. A lot of self-acceptance happens in the orientation towards the future, having something to look forward to, deciding to become somebody or something that you will be proud of versus sitting there and going, “I’m terrible because of last year” and ruminating on the old stories versus building the new one.
4. Treat Change As A “New Chapter”
What are we going to do? When you feel like you’re trapped in a negative route, it’s often because you are replaying past old stories versus building the new one. It’s a new chapter time. Can I get an amen on a weekday with anybody? It’s like it is a new chapter time. It is a “get on to becoming train”. Our self-acceptance is revitalized when you say, “Oh, I’m remaking myself this time, I will be intentional. This time I will do it with supportive people. This time I will be disciplined and practiced about it.” And all of a sudden you start feeling better about yourself. Do you want to feel bad about yourself? Ruminate on all the old and bad things that happened to you and all the old and bad things you did before.
This is why it’s so critical to do personal development work because it always leans it towards the future.
Right, it always helps you go, “Oh, wait, I just got some blank slates. I got some new chapters here. I’ve got some ways to revitalize myself.” As soon as your mind acknowledges that you are building again, something changes. New energy comes from within, and all of a sudden, the next thing can happen. You can be congruent with that vision of yourself. You cast a new vision of yourself and you take the habits you do, the practices that help you be congruent with becoming that self. And all of a sudden, with greater congruence towards a future self, your confidence comes back up. It’s the easiest way to shift somebody out of that old mentality or those old feelings, or that low self-esteem into a higher gear.
5. Allow Yourself To Have Hope
It’s about, “Oh, okay. I can acknowledge and I can appreciate and I can accept that the life that I’ve lived has happened. I can accept that everything is not perfect. I can accept I’m not perfect, and neither are they. But I can also accept that right now at this moment. I can have hope. I can accept that right now, at this moment, I can write some new ideas down. I can accept right now at this moment that tomorrow I can start changing my mindset to be happy even if my circumstances aren’t yet there.”
I was a happy, exuberant, enthusiastic, loving person at a time where I was constantly in physical fights, I was broke, and I had almost no hope for a future that would become what my life became like. And yet I decided, “OK, I need to start living into the vision of who I can become and who I feel called to become.” Because who I feel called to become, isn’t this person laying in bed feeling bad about himself all day, even though I had plenty of reasons to feel bad about myself. I will never say to you, you don’t have any reasons to feel bad about yourself. I love spiritual teachers who can teach that I can’t do, but I love when they do.
What I might suggest is, “Hey, let’s just accept ourselves.” I can accept that you did bad things in the past. I can also accept that maybe you’ll choose today to shift gears and to start that forward lean-to building the future character of who you can really become. That’s the hope and the promise and the beauty and the potential of self-improvement. You know, that’s the stuff that we understand changed the world in the world of philosophy. All of a sudden, you know you had from stoicism to Christianity to all of a sudden, you know, Rousseau talking about the idea that we have liberty and the ability to improve ourselves. Oh, wait a minute, that’s a hopeful revolution. And that’s sometimes what we need. That’s sometimes what we need.
And also, I want to remind you, sometimes that means getting around more supportive people. Sometimes that means hiring yourself a coach so they can monitor your mindset and help you build. Sometimes that means getting therapy so they can heal the old stuff. Whatever it means, it means. That you have the opportunity to do it. And what I encourage all of you to set is a goal to feel good about yourselves again.